The Phantom of the Opera: On Crack
by InuyashaFanGirl555
Summary: A crazy crackfic parody of the 2004 movie, including behind the scenes mishaps. Lots of swearing and odd random situations. Please R&R
1. Chapter 1

Okay...So,** this is my first Phantom of the Opera story, so I would like to say hello to the phantom fandom and if i offend anyone in this story, i apologize. Some of the crap you are about to read is just unforgivable. I LOVE Erik, so be prepared to see Raoul ripped A LOT. Also, please dont be angry at me for any misspellings. If i misspell anything, im sorry, I suck at spelling things in french LOL. Hmm...I think thats all i have to say...Oh yeah: R & R or die, and thank you for reading. **

**ATTENTION: I would like you all to meet Keith Scott, our narrator, better known as the narrator from George of the Jungle. Say hi, Keith!**

**Keith: 'sup?**

**Phantom of the Opera: On Crack ACT 1 Part 1**

**AUCTIONEER**:Greetings, hello, and good evening one and all! I would like to welcome you warmly to what once was the magnificent Opera Populaire, where we are about to begin our auction of various antique items. But, before that happens, I would like to thank you all graciously for your patronage! My, my, do we have a full house tonight, or what?

**( cricket noises as all seven and a half people who showed up stare at the AUCTIONEER blankly)**

**AUCTIONEER**: Ha ha**(fake laugh)**...**(mutters)**I hate this job. Shall we begin?

**MADAME GIRY**: LETS GET THIS SHIT STORM ON THE ROAD! I'M 2 MILLION FRICKING YEARS OLD, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK I CAN STAND HERE LISTENING TO YOU FLAP YOUR FILTHY GUMS BEFORE MY ARMS FALL OFF AND MY INSIDES FALL OUT MY BUTT HOLE, SIR?

**AUCTIONEER**: SHUT YOUR SLUT TRAP, YOUNG LADY! AND I USE YOUNG _VERY _LOOSLY! **(takes a deep breath, clams down) **Ahem...Let us begin.

**RAOUL**: **(snore) *gurgle gurgle* (snore)**

**NURSE**: Monsieur? Monsieur De Chagney...**(taps him on the shoulder)**Wake up, Monsieur!

**RAOUL**: **(waking up from God knows what he was dreaming about)**PEEWEE HERMAN'S BALLSACK!

**(cricket noises...)**

**NURSE**: Monsieur, please! Hush! People are starting to stare at my large hat!

**RAOUL**: Are you sure? I think it's your large ass they are staring at.

**NURSE**: **(death glare)**

**AUCTIONEER**: **(irritated) **Will that conclude this hour of random outbursts, Monsieur Vicomte De Chagney? Thank you. Now, first up, we have this freakish monkey thing that is either a sex toy of sorts or a music box. I suppose it works both ways...Uh...So I've been told.

**RANDOM DUDE**: Monsieur, that is just a music box.

**AUCTIONEER**: Opps...Well, lets start the bidding at 15 Francs.

**MADAME GIRY**: 200 HUNDRED MILLION TRILLION BAJILLION OCTILLION SEXTILLION THOUSAND ZILLION-

**RAOUL**: 35 Francs!

**AUCTIONEER**: SOLD! To the Vicomte De Chagney who is accompanied by the outrageously large-assed nurse with the hat that makes her look like a really pissed off ostrich!

**RAOUL**: Told you.

**NURSE**: (turns off his oxygen tank)

**RAOUL:** *flops out of wheel chair, gasping for air*

**NURSE: **(Sigh) Someday, but not today. *turns tank back on*

**RAOUL: **Woah! WTF was that? Oh, well! HA HA HA HA I GOT THE MONKEY SEX TOY/MUSIC BOX!

**MADAME GIRY**: SCREW YOU, DE CHAGNEY!

**RAOUL**: HA HA SUCK IT, GIRY!

**MADAME GIRY**: **(Ahmed the dead terrorist accent)** I KEEL YOU!

**RAOUL**: NO, I KEEL _YOU_!

**MADAME GIRY**: I NEVER LIKED YOU!

**RAOUL**: LIKEWISE!

**MADAME GIRY**: YOUR MOTHER IS A HOOKER

**RAOUL**: YOUR VOICE MAKES ME WANT TO BEAT UP SMALL CHILDREN AND STEAL THEIR LUNCH MONEY!

**MADAME GIRY**: YOUR FACE MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE AND DIE!

**RAOUL**: **(happily as if nothing happened)** Delighted to see you again, my dear lady.

**MADAME GIRY**: It is quite wonderful to have the pleasure of seeing you again.

**RAOUL:** Totally, now if you don't mind, I'm going to stare intensely at this monkey.

**RAOUL**: **(staring at the monkey)**

**OMINOUS VOICE**: **(singing) **_A collector's piece indeed...every detail exactly as she said...will you still play when all the rest of us are dead?_

**RAOUL**: SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME SALLY! WTF WAS THAT? AM I DYING?

**OMINOUS VOICE:** _What?_

**RAOUL: **OMG YOU'RE JESUS, AREN'T YOU?I CAN SEE THE LIGHT! I'M COMIN' GRANNY! I'M COMIN'!

**OMINOUS VOICE:** _Erm...no, actually...I'm not Jesus._

**RAOUL:** Oh...m'kay...what do you want?

**OMINOUS VOICE**: _oh, nothin'...Just here to warn the peoples at home watching that something batshit crazy is about to go down up in here, son!_

**RAOUL**: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

**(everyone stares)**

**AUCTIONEER**: Sorry to interrupt your little quarrel with the imaginary voice inside you telling you to do shameful things, but does anyone remember that whole clusterfuck that happened a few decades ago with the mysterious Phantom of the Opera**(DUN DUN DUN)**? WTF was that? Seriously, did anyone hear that dun dun dun, thing? Well, any who, I'm super like stoked to tell you that we have the chandelier that the phantom like totally cut the rope on to escape with the sexy ass opera singer he was trying to get to sleep with him, which I must say is pretty bitchin' and makes for a really kick ass movie scene. Well, enough of my, as **MADAME GIRY **put it, "gum flapping"! LIGHT THAT SHIT UP LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY!

**(they unveil the chandelier, it lights up, overture starts playing and everything is turning to color)**

**RAOUL**: HOLY ASS CRACKERS! THIS IS LIKE A BAD ACID TRIP!

**End ACT 1 Part 1 **

**Sorry it was so short and kinda sucky...the next ones are way better. I just had no idea how to make this scene funny. Next chapter will be up soon if I get reviews!**


	2. Chapter 2

AN:** Hey everybody! Thanks for the reviews! Sorry for the delay, but my stupid computer crashed because it likes to fuck with me lol Anyway, here's the chapter, and please r & r. It makes me happy :)**

**Phantom of the Opera: On Crack ACT 1 PART 2**

**CARLOTTA: **(making awful screechy noises that sound like a mix between a coked up billy goat and Frank N. Furter trying to do a Rebecca Black impression)

**ERIK(up in the rafters):** Ew.

**CARLOTTA'S MAID:** It would be hilarious if that back drop just fell on her ass.(epic foreshadowing)

**PIANGI: **(making a series of odd sounds that sound like The Count from "Sesame Street" and Rotti from "Repo! The Genetic Opera" combined. It's quite dreadful.)

**MEG: **(whispers to Christine) My ass could sing better than these people.

**LEFEVRE: **Greetings, you talentless hacks!

**REYER: **WHAT THE HECK? NOOOBODY INTERRUPTS MY EFFING REHEARSALS, ESPECIALLY DURING PIANGI'S CRAPPY SOLO!

**PIANGI: **Hey-a! Im-a standing-a right-a here-a!

**REYER: **If you shut up right now you can have this Twinkie.

**PIANGI: **GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME-

**REYER:** (chucks Twinkie at Piangi)

**PIANGI:** Yay! (inhales Twinkie)

**ERIK: **What's a Twinkie? Sounds kinda gay...(sing songy voice) Piangi likes boys!

**LEFEVRE: **Can I have your attention please? Now, I have done some thinking, have come to realize that I hate you all. I never liked any of you, probably never will, and since I hate all of you, why stick around, you know? So, I've decided to retire and sell the opera house!

**EVERYONE: **(gasp)

**LEFEVRE: **Yes, yes, I know. Huge shocker. I would like you to meet the poor bastards-er...I mean... _extremely fortunate_ _gentlemen_ who purchased this...(snicker) _fine _establishment, Monsieur Blah-Blah-Blah-I-can't-remember-your-name-and-don't- care-enough-to-try, and Monsieur Shama-lama-ding-dong!

**ANDRE: **Actually, my name is Monsieur Andre-

**FIRMIN: **And I am Monsieur Firmin...

**LEFEVRE: **And I don't give a rat's left ass cheek.

**FIRMIN: **Lovely. Anywho, as your _new _managers, we are honored to introduce our new patron, the Vicomte de Chagney!

**ERIK: **Sounds like a tool.

***ENTER RAOUL***

**CHRISTINE: **Oh...my...goodness...Do you know know who that is? That's Raoul! We were childhood sweethearts!

**MEG:** O...M...G...(squeely) HE IS SUCH A SUPER MEGA HOTTIE!

(Christine and Meg hop up and down squeeling like preppy cheerleaders)

**ERIK: **(gag) That hair is definitely a weave... I bet it's made of squirrel fur.

**RAOUL:** My parents are honored to support the arts, but I'm just in it to flaunt the fact that I'm rich, because money makes you sexier.

**EVERYONE: **(applause)

**RAOUL: **It's true! Let's say that there's a deformed, music obsessed, phsycopath living in the bastment of say...an opera house like say...the Opera Populaire. Make him a millionaire, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to do him!

**MADAME GIRY: **I cannot...believe...he just said that.

**ERIK: **(speechless)

**ERIK:** Okay...I'm gonna kill this motherfucker...

**FIRMIN: **Vicomte? Please allow me to introduce Signora Carlotta Giudicelli, our lead soprano-(under his breath) for five miserable seasons- and her fuck buddy, Piangi!

**CARLOTTA: **(walks up to Raoul and shakes his hand) *batting her eye lashes* Why-a, it-a is-a a pleasure-a to-a meet-a you-a, Monsieur handsome, rich, Vicomte...By-a the-a way-a, I do-a give-a private shows in-a my-a dressing-a room-a, if-a you-a know-a what-a I-a mean-a.(wink wink)

**RAOUL: **Umm...okay...

**PIANGI: **(glare)

**ERIK:** (snicker)Carlotta totally wants to rape Raoul.

**(Raoul walks by Christine, totally ignoring her.)**

**MEG:** He totally ignored you Chris! THAT MEANS I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM! COME BACK RAOUL! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!

**CHRISTINE: **(in a fetal postion, rocking back and fourth) Angst...angst...angst...angst...

**MME. GIRY: **BLAH BLAH BLAH AND SHAMALAMADINGDONG! MOVE IT! MY DANCERS MUST REHEARSE! (ballerinas dance) We have the best dancers in the universe ever because we're beasty.

**ANDRE:** WOAH! BONER ALERT! WHO IS THAT BLOND ANGEL?

**MME. GIRY:** Erm...That would be my daughter.

**ANDRE: **Oh...Er...well...Completely disregard that last comment. I just-HOLY CRAP! WHAT ABOUT THE BRUNETTE?

**MME. GIRY: **She is _like_ my daughter.

**ANDRE: **POOP!

**CARLOTTA: **(starts her awful singing again)

**ERIK: **(cringes at awful high note) OW! HER STUPID VOICE JUST POPPED A BLOOD VESSEL IN MY EYE!

***S****ong ends and CARLOTTA has a bitch fit for no apparent reason.***

**CARLOTTA: **YOU-A BUTTHOLES LIKE-A THE-A DANCING-A GIRLS-A MORE-A THAN-A ME-A! IM-A TAKING-A MY-A DOGGY-A AND-A LEAVING-A! FUCK-A YOU-A ALL-A!

**ERIK: **Don't let the door hit you in the ass in the way out.

**ANDRE & FIRMIN: **NOOO! WAIT! WE LOVE YOU! WE ARE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! DON'T GOOO!

**CARLOTTA: **(thinks) Oh, alright-a. I sing-a for-a you-a! (clears throat) IF-A YOU-A LIKE-A IT-A THEN-A YOU-A SHOULD-A PUT-A A RING-A ON-A IT-A!

**ERIK: **Oh no, fuck that! (knocks scenery down on top on Carlottawho gets really pissed)

**CARLOTTA: **WHAT-A THE SHIT-A WAS-A THAT-A?

**MME. GIRY: **(glares up at Erik)

**ERIK: **I'm sorry, but someone had to shut that bitch up.

**LEFEVRE: **JOSEPH BUQUET! HONESTLY, YOUR JOB IS SO EASY, DUMB & DUMBER COULD DO IT PERFECTLY, AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO SCREW IT UP!

**BUQUET: **Don't look at me! I wasn't at my post because I was in the bathroom taking a gigantic dump. I think someone spiked my drink with Miralax.

**CARLOTTA:** EW-A! THAT'S-A DISGUSTING-A!

**ERIK:** (snicker)

**MME. GIRY: **(glares up at Erik)

**ERIK: **What? I needed to get him away from his post, and if I'm going to carry out my devious plots, I may as well have fun while I'm doing it...

**CARLOTTA: **(turns to Andre and Firmin) WHAT-A THE-A HELL-A KIND-A OF-A THEATER-A DO-A YOU-A ASS-A WIPES THINK-A YOU-A ARE-A RUNNING-A?

**ANDRE: **HOW THE F$%* SHOULD _WE _KNOW? WE JUST GOT HERE!

**FIRMIN:** We are _dreadfully _sorry, but with all due respect, your for shit singing could have caused it to fall all on it's own- Aww, I said that out loud, didn't I?

**ERIK:** Dayumm...Carlotta, girl, is you gon' take dat from him?

**CARLOTTA:** (seething with anger)THATS-A IT-A! YOU-A CAN-A ALL-A SUCK IT, BECAUSE-A IM-A LEAVING-A! PIANGI! GET-A YOUR-A ASS-A OUT-A TO-A THE-A CARRIAGE-A!(leaves)

**PIANGI: **COMING-A HONEY BUNCH!

**PIANGI:** (turns to Andre and Firmin) *snaps fingers in a Z formation* (leaves)

**ANDRE & FIRMIN: **(horrified)

**LEFEVRE: **Oh, how unfortunate... Anyway, I suppose this is where I make like tree and get the fuck out of here. You can handle it can't you, gentleman?

**FIRMIN: **But-

**LEFEVRE: **I knew I could count on you both! You'll all be in my prayers as I'm partying with strippers in Australia. (races for the door)

**FIRMIN: **Okay...okay...don't panic. We got this!

**ANDRE: **Absolutely! We don't need her. We'll just have to use her understudy. See? Problem solved.

**REYER:** DID YOUR MOTHER FEED YOU STUPID JUICE WHEN YOU WERE A BABY? THERE _IS_ NO UNDERSTUDY FOR LA CARLOTTA!

**FIRMIN: **NO UNDERSTUDY FOR THE LEADING LADY? WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS ASS THEATRE IS THIS?

**ANDRE: **YOU IDIOT! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! WE'VE NO LEAD AND IT'S OPENING NIGHT! WERE SCREWED!

***Pandemonium breaks out. Andre and Firmin are rolling around on the ground sobbing, CHRISTINE is back in a fetal position, a random lady runs by with her hair on fire, several fist fights break out, and ERIK is watching it all from the rafters, laughing hysterially.* **

**END ACT 1 PART 2**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hello reviewers! I really didn't think I'd be able to write anything funny with all the 9/11 programs depressing me, but I did. Hopefully it isn't too dark though. I do not own POTO or any of the characters invovled(except for Bob the lighting guy and Tina the Prima Ballerina but you probably knew that already)**

**So here we pick up at the very end of the last chapter. Enjoy :)**

Phantom of the Opera: On Crack ACT 1 PART 3

***Pandemonium breaks out. ANDRE & FIRMN are rolling around on the ground sobbing, CHRISTINE is back in a fetal position, a random lady runs by with her hair on fire, and ERIK is watching it all from the rafters, with a wtf look on his face.***

**ERIK:** How will I give her the note now? (thinks) Oh wait! I have an idea!(folds not into a paper airplane and throws it at** MADAME GIRY'S **face)

**MADAME GIRY:** (gets stabbed in the eye by paper airplane) AHHHH! MY CORNEA, YOU MOTHER(bleep bleep bleep)

**ERIK:** That's for not returning my text. Bitch.

**MADAME GIRY: **(clears throat and composes herself) EVERYONE CALM DOWN! I HAVE A LETTER FROM THE OPERA GHOST!

**FIRMIN:** WHAT? NO ONE TOLD US THERE WAS A GHOST! I THOUGHT LEFEVRE WAS KIDDING WHEN HE SAID HE HOPES THE PHANTOM KILLS US ALL!

**ANDRE:** (whimper) Me no like ghosties...

**MADAME GIRY: **Well, after this ghost gets done with you you _really_ won't like them. Here's what his note says:

_Dear Bastard or Bitch, _

_Hello and welcome to MY opera house, The Opera Populaire, the pimpin'-est place ever, next to the Moulin Rouge, but that won't be built until 1889, so this is the pimpin'est place ever for the next 19 years. How do I know this? Because i'm fucking psychic and totally awesome lolz. Since you're in my opera house even though I don't technically own it, you will pay me 20,000 Francs a month, which makes sense, because I said so, because I'm the Phantom of the Opera tee hee hee. If you do not comply, I will start killing people because that's how I roll. What follows is a list of people I will not kill, followed by what I like to call the "Fucked List":_

_People who will live:_

_-Antoinette Giry- 'Cause she's my homie girl_

_-Christine Daae- 'Cause she's pretty :)_

_-Meg Giry- 'Cause I'm not entirely sure what Anoinette Giry would do if I killed her, but it would most likely be extremely painful and involve a lawnmower and chili powder. _

_Those who are as good as fucked will die in numerical order:_

_1. Carlotta and Piangi- You will die together because I can't decide which one of you I hate more._

_2. Joseph Buquet- STOP TRYING TO BANG ALL OF THE BALLERINAS! IF THEY'RE ALL KNOCKED UP, THEY CAN'T DANCE, CAN THEY?_

_3. Al the lighting guy- Stop drinking on the job. Seriously. Quit leaving empty beer cans and shit everywhere. If you do not heed my warning, you will die sooner._

_4. Tina the Prima Ballerina- Your name rhymes with your position, so I'm afraid you must die at some point._

_5. Andre and Firmin- I just plain don't like you guys._

_So, In conclusion, you all will end up like Tupac and Biggie if I don't get my money. _

_Your Obediant Servent(ha ha get it?I'm being sarcastic),_

_O.G._

**Everyone: (shocked and whispering back and fourth to eachother)**

**FIRMIN: **THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE MAFIA GANGSTER MOVIES!

**ERIK: (to himself)**Hell yeah. I'm the gangster of the opera! Gimme ma' money or sleep with the fishes like Luca Brasi.

**ANDRE: **What do we do now?

**ERIK: (plays jedi mind trick) **I don't know, but you could give me my money before I bust a cap in your asses.

**FIRMIN: (hypnotized) **I don't know, but we could give him his money before he busts a cap in our asses.

**ERIK:** Ha! I'm so awesome. Take that mom and dad.

**ANDRE:** Good plan, but what do we do about the leading lady? La Carlotta quit on us because you told her she sucked.

**MADAME GIRY: **Christine Daae could sing it. She's been taught by a great teacher who's voice could make an angel orgasm.

**ERIK:** Damn right.

**ANDRE:** Really? Who taught you Miss Daae?

**CHRISTINE: **I don't know, but he has a Scottish accent. And sometimes English. And sometimes I can't tell. Maybe he's bipolar.

**FIRMIN: **You've never met him face to face?

**CHRISTINE:** Nope. Never seen him either. I just sit in my room and he talks to me, but whenever I ask him if I'll ever get to see him, he screams "NEVER" and then I hear him run away. But he always comes back.

**FIRMIN:** So...you're teacher is an anonymous bipolar who refuses to show you his face?

**CHRISTINE:** Yup!

**FIRMIN:** And...You're not suspicious?

**CHRISTINE: **Nope.

**ANDRE:** Works for me! Conductor!

**REYER: (starts playing "Think of Me")**

**FIRMIN: (whispers to Andre)** Methinks pretty lady is full of crap.

**ANDRE: (shush's him dramatically) **I'M ADMIRING HER BEAUTY AND YOUR VOICE IS RUINING IT.

**CHRISTINE:** _Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye! Remember me once in a while, please promise me me you'll try! When you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be free, if you'll ever find a moment, spare a thought for me._**(fade to CHRISTINE that night performing in front of a full house) **_We never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea, but if you can still remember, stop and think of me._

**ERIK: (watching CHRISTINE from somewhere below) **Well, look at that. They didn't even have to tailor the costume like they would have for CARLOTTA's big ass**...(sees a cat or so he thinks and goes out of character momentarily)**

**GERRY/ERIK: **Hey why is there a cat down here? OH MY JESUS IS THAT A FUCKING SEWER RAT?

**DIRECTOR: **Yeah it is. We put it in there to make the scene more realistic.

**GERRY/ERIK: **YOU REALLY JUST CAUGHT A DISEASE RIDDEN RAT OFF THE STREET? DIDN'T BOTHER TO CHECK IT FOR RABIES, OR THE PLAGUE, OR THE CLAP OR I DON'T KNOW, WHAT EVER THE HELL ELSE SEWER RATS CARRY?

**DIRECTOR: **Yeah. Pretty much. Good idea huh?

**GERRY/ERIK: **NO-OH MY GOD IT'S SNAPPING AT ME! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!

**DIRECTOR: **Oh, well definately don't let it bite you. Hey, did you know that there are only six cases where a person survived rabies? Just a little fun fact that I just got on this neat app on my iphone called Fact of the Day.

**GERRY/ ERIK: **That's very interesting and all, but...**(rat snarls) **Can I at least have a stool or something?

**DIRECTOR:** No. Now less bitchy more acty before I fire you. Here's another one! Did you know Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones where roommates back in their college days at Harvard? How wierd is that?

**GERRY/ERIK: (sigh)*tries to switch back into character* (nervously) **Yay, Emmy...I mean Christine.

***Cut to Carlotta sitting outside in her 'S maid and PIANGI run outside to the carrige after watching some of the opera***

**CARLOTTA: **Well-a? How-a is-a the-a opera-a? Go-a on-a, tell-a me-a how-a much-a it-a sucks-a with-a out-a me-!

**MAID:** Giiiiiirrrrlll, it is AH-MA-ZIN! And Christine, you should hear her! I mean DAAAAMNN, that little girl can SIIIIIING! And did I mention she could actually fit into the costume? Saved the theater a lot of money that would have been spent tailoring the costume to fit _your _tubby ass!

**CARLOTTA: (face twitching with rage)**

**PINAGI:** I-a know-a! That-a CHRISTINE-A is-a one-a fine-a bit-

**CARLOTTA: (screams the loudest, most epic, most ear peircing scream known to man) **

***inside the opera, several people's ears start gushing blood and they run about screaming. The others don't notice because they are too distracted by CHRISTINE's boss singing.***

**CHRISTINE: **_Think of all the things we've shared and seen. Don't think about they way things might have been. Think of me, think of me waking silent and resigned. Imagine me trying too hard too put you from my mind. Recall those days, look back on all those times, think of those things we'll never do, there will never be a day when I won't think of you!_

**RAOUL: **_Can it be? Can it be Christine?_**(stops singing)**Seriously, Is that really her? HOLY CHEESE AND CRACKERS IT IS! I don't remember her looking that hot! I mean, wow! She grew into her banana nose and everything! **(singing)** _Long ago,it seems so long ago, how young and innocent we were! She may not remember me, but I remember her. _

**CHRISTINE: **_Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade, they have their seasons so do we, but please promise me that sometimes you will think of me! _

***thunderous applause* **

**CHRISTINE: **Well, I'm gonna go talk to my dead dad's picture now. I wonder what Angel is doing right now.

**ERIK:** DE CHAGNEY YOU STUPID F*CK! THANKS FOR TAKING MY BOX AND MAKING ME SIT UNDER THE STAGE WITH RATS. REALLY. THANKS A LOT.


	4. Chapter 4

**Phantom of the Opera On Crack: ACT 1 PART 4**

**(while the cast parties like it's 1999, Christine visits the chapel. Meg doesn't know, so she searches for her)**

**MEG: (singing) **Christine, Christine...

**PHANTOM: (singing) **Christine...

**MEG: (finds her in the chapel and sings) **Were in the world have you been hiding? Really you were perfect. I only wish I knew you secret! Who is your great tutor?

**CHRISTINE: **I already told everyone! There's a disembodied voice who sings to me in my room! He's the Angel of Music, **MEG**!

**MEG: **Christine, I've told you time and time again that smoking weed is bad.

**CHRISTINE: ( glances at the joint in her hand and quickly throws it on the ground and steps on it) *****sings*** Father once spoke of an angel, I used to dream he'd appear. Now as I sing I can sense him, and I know he's here! Here in this room he calls me softly, somewhere inside hiding! Somehow I know he's always with me, he the unseen genius!

**MEG: (sings) **Christine, you must have been stoned! Stories like this can't some true. Christine you're talking in riddles, **(speaking)** Seriously, you must be tripping balls.

**CHRISTINE: (singing) **Angel of Music, guide and guardian, grant to me your glory! **(MEG joins in) **Angel of Music, hide no longer, secret and strange Angel!

**CHRISTINE: **He's with me even now...

**MEG: **Your hands are cold...

**CHRISTINE: **...all around me.

**MEG: **Your eyes, **CHRISTINE**, they're bloodshot. Seriously, Moms gonna be pissed.

**CHRISTINE: **It frightens me...

**MEG: **Don't be frightened...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**(In Christine's dressing room)**

**MADAME GIRY: **(fighting off a hoard of** CHRISTINE'S **admirers with a chair) BACK! BACK, I SAY!(slams door)Animals...

**CHRISTINE: **Did my angel see me tonight? Did he think I was good? Was he impressed that they didn't have to tailor the dress for Carlotta's cow ass?

**MADAME GIRY: **Yeah, yeah, you were fan-freaking-tastic. Here's a stupid flower he stole from the potted plants outside.(throws a rose with a black ribbon at her)

**CHRISTINE: **Omg, it's beautiful! I'm naming it Robert because it's a boy rose.

**MADAME GIRY: **Alright then...I'm glad he took the liberty of trimming off the thorns, because you're stupid. Can't injure yourself with a thornless rose, can you?

**CHRISTINE:** (pokes herself in the eye with the stem somehow) OW! ROBERT POKED ME! BAD ROBERT!

**MADAME GIRY: ** Wow...Well, good night my little simpleton! (leaves)

**CHRISTINE: **Good night, Madame! (to Robert) You are getting a time out, mister!(puts it in a drawer and slams it shut)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**(outside of her room)**

**RAOUL: **(to himself) Okay...there's her dressing room. I just need some flowers to impress her with...

**FIRMIN(holding flowers): **Ah, hello Monsieur DeChagney! Are you an aquaintence of Miss Daae?

**RAOUL: **Erm, sure, you could say that...Hey, is that Justin Beiber?

**FIRMIN:** (fangirl squeel) WHERE?

**RAOUL: **(grabs flowers and runs into Christine's room, slamming the door) Ha ha, loser. Everyone knows Justin Beiber is on tour in Asia right now. He doesn't come to France for another three months.(fangirl squeel) OMG I'm soooo exited!

**CHRISTINE: **(turns around) **RAOUL**!

**RAOUL: **Oh, shit...I was supposed to say this stupid little poem to make her think I'm romantic...Umm...Rose are red, violets are blue, roses have really pretty voices and look really sexy and so do you.

**CHRISTINE: **Oh, **RAOUL**! You're so romantic!(hugs him)

**RAOUL: **Holy crap! She bought it!

**CHRISTINE:** Oh, **RAOUL**! You even bought me flowers too?

**RAOUL: **Bought, stole, is there really a difference?

**CHRISTINE: **(smells flowers) Ooooh, they smell like spring gardens and crime!

**RAOUL: **I knew you'd love them! So, what do you say we blow this popsicle stand and go to this new club downtown?

**CHRISTINE: **No can do. My angel of music is very strict.

**RAOUL: **Ha, Angel of Music. You still believe in that dumb story? You've always been a kidder, Christine! Now seriously, quit fucking around and get ready. (leaves)

**CHRISTINE: **(yells) Oh, yeah? And you've always been a...butt face! Oh, well...I guess I might as well get a free dinner out of him. Hmm...what to wear, what to wear...desicions, desicions...Oh! I know! I'll wear this see through night gown with a see through robe that I got off the slut clearence rack at Halloween Express!

(Candles suddenly blow out)

**CHRISTINE: **Woah! What just happened?

_**End ACT 1**_


End file.
